Raise plants, not children

By Caitlin Booth

The world is burning. Raise plants, not children.

If you’re like me, the thought of raising tiny humans any time soon feels as likely as Putin inviting Pussy Riot to dinner. Not only has the cost of living made it impossible to feed and clothe myself, let alone a tiny me, the prospects for the planet’s future are anxiety provoking to say the least.

With sea levels rising, and temperatures creeping ever higher, I’m catastrophizing about my own future, so the thought of subjecting a smaller and more vulnerable me to a future of environmental uncertainty is a disenchanting thought.

If you’re also like me, then the next best thing to a child is a cute-ass kitten or collie. But we live in a world where housing prices and student debt don’t quite see eye to eye, and keeping a furry friend in a rental is a pipe dream. The more you look at it, the more all joy disappears from the world.

BUT, I’m not here to send you into an anxiety spiral before you’ve even finished your first coffee for the day. I’m here to tell you there is a solution to your domestic disenchantment.

PLANTS.

The perfect compromise between curing those empty-house feels and not taking on the responsibility of another walking, talking life-form is to fill your house with varying degrees of plants.

Fill your living spaces with succulents to keep you company while you reply to those after-hours’ emails from the international office. The little guys are hardy and resilient, just like you, and only need one thorough watering every now and again. They can be left until the soil is dry before the next drink (much like how, since reaching the other side of twenty-five, you can now only deal with the occasional big session at your local watering hole before needing to be left to dry out…).

Invest in a Yucca. This tall boy can hang out next to the tv with you while you watch that mind-numbing reality-show/guilty pleasure, and will leaf all of his judgments in his mind instead of ruining your binge. And to top off your green fam, let a little Devil’s Ivy sit by your shoulder to keep you company in your bedroom on a Saturday while you nurse an end of week hangover well into lunchtime.

As a nice little cherry on top of your new flora friends, you’re also contributing to a cleaner environment. Your new pals will suck all the carbon dioxide from the air, giving you bragging rights on doing your bit for the planet.