The Ghost Potato

By Caitlin Booth

Can we just come up with a universal sign for ‘I’m Ghosting You’ already?

If you’ve dated in the last five years, you’re probably familiar with what it’s like to be ghosted, or to ghost someone.

For those playing at home, ghosting does not refer to the mildly problematic Hamish and Andy instigated phenomenon of the late Noughties of walking as closely behind a person as possible without them knowing, for the lols.

The ghosting we’re referring to involves literally disappearing from someone you’ve dated as silently and as abruptly as humanly possible. Presumably, with minimal lols for the ghostee. 

Okay yes, ending things with someone is not a pleasant task.

Sitting down for a formal break-up chat with someone you’ve only been on a few dates with boarders on over-kill, and a thanks-but-no-thanks text three-months into seeing someone is just brutal.

But simply disappearing without a trace is worse because not only is it hurtful, it’s a time-waster too. We all have better things to do than waste hours wondering why someone isn’t texting us back.

When at least 24 hours goes by without a response, naturally we start to hypothesise about every potential option other than that they’ve simply tapped out.

Maybe they fell through a weird time-travel hole in some rocks in the national park?

Or they dropped their phone down an elevator shaft?

Or just straight up died.

Morbid, yes. But it’s better than thinking that someone has disappeared because of, well, you.

Generally it takes a solid 72 hours of denial and an embarrassing second, unreturned text before the ghosting sinks in. No one has time for that.

So we’re proposing the Ghost Indication Potato. The GIP, if you will.

Similar to the weird phenomenon from 2014 of receiving a potato in the mail with a message engraved on it, the GIP is a universally acknowledged symbol of ‘thanks, but no thanks.’

So simple.

Dating someone for three months only to discover they never stop to pat dogs in the street? GIP.

Agreed to a second date out of awkwardness at the end of a terrible first date? GIP.

Went home with someone only to discover they still live at home? GIP. You could even just nip down to the kitchen and grab an IRL spud and leave it on the pillow…

So, please, let’s all be respectful of each other’s time and feelings. Put the potato to use.